Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
