The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
