I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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