he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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