I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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