Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
