could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
