You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize