did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
