It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
