I'm going to jail i love you
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
