he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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