We won't sleep together?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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