the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
