This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
