ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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