I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
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