The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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