I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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