My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
