oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
