Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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