I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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