stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
