Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
