You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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