i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Randomize
