I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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