Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
