I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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