i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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