Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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