Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Randomize
