I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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