The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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