She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
