So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
