I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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