I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
