Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
