Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
