I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
