i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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