I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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