Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
