addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
