Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
