Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
