The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
