remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
