Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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