I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
sex in a hospital.. check
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
